*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.