my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
need him
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated