Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson