I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
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14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Haha good job!!
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Message from the dog groomers
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.