There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Smooooooth
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Clients after you give them your rates
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get