I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.