My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*