Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Tell me you get it…🤣
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
584.