putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.