*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
You Might Also Like
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.