Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.