What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.