“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?