Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
2022 will be better than 2021
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try