lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.