[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.