I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.