Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
asked my bf how work was today
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Meow
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards