People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.