Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Merica.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is