I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
lost dog