I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
@ candidates for local office
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…