I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Still a very good boi….
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Body by Oreos
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house