[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.