[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
mom had nothing to worry about
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014