what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
12653.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this