MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
May never get over this
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go