I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..