When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: