Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*