Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.