nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.