Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.