You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
You Might Also Like
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”