If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
No one :
Me when I swimming :
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.