#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
You Might Also Like
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.