What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
he was correct
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story