Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
mood
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Can’t stop laughing
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Spa day..😅
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
spicy snake
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.