If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The pasta is now
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
want me to check your oil?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.