Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I found your tweet-up…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.