“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Lmao the reply
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad