My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.