My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
We need to put an American base on the sun
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here