[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
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[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
i wish i could marry a nap
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?