Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
She puts the hot in psychotic
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.