I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
You Might Also Like
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Finally
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.