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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I think my mom just blocked me
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.