[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
you will never know the true number of layers
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: