Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The news in a nutshell.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.