You Might Also Like
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Sharon I have some bad news
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.